Marshall Rosenberg identified 12 common patterns that block empathic connection. Learn to recognize them to avoid these automatic reflexes.
Offering solutions before welcoming what the other person is experiencing.
Bringing the conversation back to yourself with a "worse" or "better" experience.
Turning the situation into a learning opportunity or moral lesson.
Trying to "fix" or minimize the other person's emotion.
Sharing a similar personal story that diverts attention.
Cutting off the emotion by encouraging to "move on."
Pitying the other person's fate without truly connecting to their experience.
Asking questions that serve our curiosity rather than listening.
Providing rational explanations about what happened.
Correcting the facts or the other person's perception.
Analyzing or labeling the person or their behavior.
Judging whether the person acted well or poorly.
These responses are often automatic reflexes learned in childhood. They come from a good intention: to help, comfort, or solve. But they can make the other person feel unheard. The first step is awareness - that's what this exercise is for.
Instead of these automatic responses, try reflecting what you hear: "Are you feeling... because you need...?" Stay with the other person's experience without trying to fix, advise, or share your own story.
Master the complete OSBD process step by step