The 4 Steps of NVC (OFNR)
Nonviolent Communication, created by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s, is based on 4 fundamental steps known by the acronym OFNR: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.
Information
The acronym OFNR is the English version. In French, it's called OSBD (Observation, Sentiment, Besoin, Demande). These 4 steps form the core of the method taught in over 60 countries worldwide.
🔍 1. Observation
Observation involves describing facts objectively, without judgment or interpretation. This is often the hardest step because our brain is wired to interpret.
Attention
Common traps of disguised judgments: "You're ignoring me" → This is an interpretation, not a fact "You're being aggressive" → This is a judgment about the person "You never pay attention" → "Never" is a generalization The key: describe what a camera would see, without adjectives or adverbs.
Exemple de dialogue
❌ Without observation : "You're always late, you don't respect me!" ✅ With observation : "This morning, you arrived at 9:30 when our meeting was at 9:00."
Criteria for a good observation:
- Specific in time and space
- Factual and verifiable
- Without words like "always", "never", "too much"
💭 2. Feeling
Express what you feel in this situation. Feelings are precious signals that inform us about the state of our needs.
Besoin identifié
The feeling-need connection is fundamental: Pleasant feelings → Needs are met Unpleasant feelings → Needs are not met Your emotions are never caused by the other person, but by the state of your own needs.
Vocabulary of feelings:
| When my needs are met | When my needs are not met |
|---|---|
| Joyful, relieved, enthusiastic | Sad, frustrated, worried |
| Grateful, peaceful, confident | Disappointed, discouraged, annoyed |
| Inspired, touched, moved | Irritated, tense, helpless |
Attention
Watch out for "pseudo-feelings": "I feel ignored " → Implies the other is ignoring you (interpretation) "I feel manipulated " → Accuses the other of manipulation Prefer: "I feel lonely " or "I feel suspicious "
❤️ 3. Need
Identify the unmet need behind your feeling. Needs are universal and shared by all human beings.
Important
Needs vs Strategies - The crucial distinction: A need is universal and abstract: connection, security, autonomy, meaning... A strategy is a specific way to meet a need: "I want you to call me every night" (strategy for the need of connection). When we confuse the two, we get stuck in conflicts. There are always multiple strategies to meet the same need!
The major families of needs:
- Connection: love, belonging, intimacy, respect, being understood
- Autonomy: freedom, choice, independence, space
- Meaning: contribution, creativity, growth, accomplishment
- Well-being: rest, security, food, movement
- Integrity: authenticity, coherence, self-esteem
🙏 4. Request
Formulate a clear, concrete, and achievable request. A request opens dialogue, unlike a demand which closes it.
Conseil
The 5 characteristics of a good request: Positive : What you want (not what you don't want) Concrete : A precise and observable action Achievable : Now or in the near future Negotiable : The other can say no without punitive consequences Addressed : To a specific person
Formulation OSBD
Complete example - Domestic situation: O : When I see that the dishes have been in the sink since this morning... F : I feel frustrated and discouraged N : I need order and cooperation in our shared life R : Would you be willing to create a task schedule together this weekend?
Exemple de dialogue
Before NVC : "You never do the dishes! I always have to do everything around here!" With NVC : "When I see the dishes in the sink since this morning (O), I feel tired and discouraged (F), because I need support and fairness in our home (N). Would you be open to dividing tasks differently? (R)"
✍️ Practical Exercise
Exercice pratique
Transform these sentences into OFNR: Situation 1: "You never listen to me when I talk to you!" O: When I'm talking to you and you're looking at your phone... F: I feel... N: I need... R: Would you be willing to...? Situation 2: "You're always late, it's disrespectful!" O: ... F: ... N: ... R: ... Situation 3: "You interrupted me again in the meeting!" O: ... F: ... N: ... R: ... Take time to formulate your answers before continuing.
🌟 Tips for Getting Started
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Start with yourself: Practice self-empathy. Before communicating with others, clarify your own feelings and needs.
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Listen first: Seek to understand others before being understood. Guess their feelings and needs.
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Stay curious: Others' needs are as legitimate as yours. There are no "good" or "bad" needs.
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Accept imperfection: NVC is a practice, not a performance. Even Marshall Rosenberg said it sometimes took him 3 days to formulate an NVC message!
"NVC helps us connect with each other and with ourselves with the heart." — Marshall Rosenberg
Going Further
Mastering OFNR takes practice. If these concepts resonate with you, our CNV Academy training programs guide you step by step with practical exercises and role-playing.