NVC and Parenting: 5 Techniques for Caring Education
Caring parenting based on NVC offers an alternative to traditional educational methods based on punishment and rewards.
Information
What research says: Neuroscience studies show that punishment activates fear circuits in the child's brain, inhibiting learning. Conversely, empathic communication promotes the development of the prefrontal cortex, the seat of self-regulation.
👂 1. Empathic Listening
Before reacting, take time to listen and understand what your child is experiencing. Empathy before education.
Attention
Phrases to avoid that break connection: "It's not a big deal" (minimizes the emotion) "Stop crying" (denies the right to emotion) "You're a big kid now" (creates shame) "There are worse things in life" (invalidates the experience)
How to do it:
- Get down to their physical level (crouch down)
- Rephrase what you understand about their experience
- Validate their emotions without minimizing them
Formulation OSBD
Example of empathic listening: O : I see you're crying and stomping your feet... F : You seem very angry and frustrated N : You really wanted to keep playing, you need time for yourself R : Would you like us to take 2 minutes to say goodbye to your toys before we leave?
🛡️ 2. Express Limits with Kindness
Setting limits doesn't mean punishing. It's expressing your needs clearly while maintaining connection.
Exemple de dialogue
❌ Without NVC : "Stop screaming! Go to your room!" ✅ With NVC : "When you scream, it hurts my ears and I can't think anymore. I need calm. Can you speak to me more softly, or should we take a break together?"
NVC limits:
- Are expressed in terms of your needs (not arbitrary rules)
- Maintain the child's dignity
- Offer alternatives when possible
- Remain firm on substance, flexible on form
🔄 3. Transform Conflicts into Connection
Important
The golden rule: Acknowledge the emotion BEFORE seeking a solution. A child overwhelmed by emotion cannot learn or cooperate. The emotional brain must calm down first.
Every conflict is an opportunity for connection if we take time to understand everyone's needs.
The 4 steps:
- Welcome the child's emotion ("You're really angry")
- Identify their need ("You want to decide for yourself")
- Express your own need ("I need you to be safe")
- Look for a solution together ("How can we make this work for both of us?")
Exemple de dialogue
Situation: Child refuses to put on their coat Parent (before) : "Put on that coat right now or we're not going out!" Parent NVC : "I see you don't want to put on your coat. You need to choose for yourself, right? I need to know you won't be cold outside. What can we do? Do you want to put it on in the hallway or carry it and put it on outside?"
🎯 4. The Power of Choices
Give the child a sense of autonomy by offering limited choices. This meets their fundamental need for power and reduces resistance.
Conseil
Adapt choices according to age: 2-4 years : 2 simple options ("The blue or red pajamas?") 5-7 years : 2-3 options with consequences ("Do you clean up now or after the story?") 8-12 years : Co-create solutions ("How do you want to organize your homework?") Teens : Negotiation with clear limits ("What return time seems reasonable to you?")
Examples by situation:
- Meals: "Do you want the carrots cooked or raw?"
- Getting dressed: "Do you get dressed before or after breakfast?"
- Homework: "Do you start with math or French?"
- Screen time: "Do you prefer your 30 minutes now or tonight?"
🔧 5. Repair Rather Than Punishment
Besoin identifié
The needs behind behaviors: When a child "misbehaves," they're expressing an unmet need: Hits → Need for power, consideration Lies → Need for safety, avoiding rejection Steals → Need for belonging, recognition Tantrums → Need for regulation, connection Punishing the behavior doesn't address the underlying need.
When something goes wrong, focus on repair and learning rather than punishment.
Restorative questions to ask:
- "What happened?" (without accusation)
- "How do you feel? How do you think the other person feels?"
- "What was your need at that moment?"
- "What could we do to make it right?"
- "What might help you next time?"
🌪️ Managing Crises (tantrums, meltdowns)
Exemple de dialogue
Situation: Tantrum at the supermarket Child : throws themselves on the floor, screaming "I WANT THAT TOY!" Parent (reflex) : "Stop that right now! You're not getting anything! You're embarrassing me!" Parent NVC : crouches down, calm voice "You really want that toy. It's very hard when you want something and can't have it, isn't it?" waits for the emotion to subside "We're not going to buy it today. Would you like us to take a picture of it for your wish list?"
During a crisis:
- Stay calm (breathe)
- Ensure safety (move away from dangers)
- Offer your silent presence or physical contact if accepted
- Verbalize the emotion ("You're really angry")
- Wait for the emotion to subside before discussing solutions
✍️ Practical Exercises by Age
Exercice pratique
Transform these reactions into NVC responses: Situation 1 (3-5 years) : Your child hits their sibling ❌ Classic reaction: "We don't hit! Go to your room!" ✅ NVC response: "Stop! (separates) You hit your brother. You seem very angry. What happened?" Situation 2 (6-10 years) : Refusal to do homework ❌ Classic reaction: "If you don't do your homework, no tablet!" ✅ NVC response: "You don't feel like doing your homework. You need to relax after school? Let's take a 15-minute break and then tackle it together?" Situation 3 (Teen) : Comes home late without notice ❌ Classic reaction: "You're grounded for a month!" ✅ NVC response: "When you didn't come home on time and I had no news, I was very worried. I need to know you're okay. What happened? How can we prevent this from happening again?"
🌟 Long-Term Results
Children raised with NVC develop:
- ✅ Better emotional intelligence (recognizing and managing their emotions)
- ✅ Effective communication skills
- ✅ Authentic self-confidence (not based on performance)
- ✅ Empathy for others
- ✅ Internal self-regulation (no need for external control)
- ✅ A strong and lasting parent-child relationship
"Children don't need perfect parents. They need parents who can repair the connection when it breaks." — Daniel Siegel