Self-Empathy: Taking Care of Yourself with NVC
We often talk about listening to others with empathy. But who takes time to listen to themselves? Self-empathy is NVC's best-kept secret - and perhaps its most powerful tool.
Important
The empathy paradox: You cannot give others what you don't give yourself. Self-empathy is not selfishness, it's the source of your ability to be present for others.
Table of Contents
- What is self-empathy?
- Why it's difficult
- The 4 steps of self-empathy
- Daily practices
- Self-empathy vs self-pity
What Is Self-Empathy?
Self-empathy is offering yourself the quality of presence you would offer a dear friend. It's welcoming your own emotions without judgment and identifying your needs with kindness.
Besoin identifié
Self-empathy responds to fundamental needs: Unconditional acceptance Self-understanding Compassion Integrity (being aligned with yourself)
Marshall Rosenberg said that before we can truly listen to someone, we must first empty our own "emotional reservoir." Self-empathy is this draining process.
Why It's Difficult
Our education often taught us to:
- Ignore our emotions ("Stop crying")
- Judge ourselves harshly ("I'm useless")
- Put others first ("Don't be selfish")
Attention
Inner voices that sabotage self-empathy: The critic: "You should have done better" The comparer: "Others manage, why can't you?" The minimizer: "It's not that bad, stop complaining" The rusher: "You don't have time for this"
These voices are clumsy attempts to protect us. In NVC, we welcome them with empathy too.
The 4 Steps of Self-Empathy
Step 1: Pause and Presence
Stop what you're doing. Close your eyes. Place a hand on your heart. Take 3 deep breaths.
Conseil
Grounding questions: What's happening inside me right now? Where in my body do I feel something? What's the texture, the color of this sensation?
Step 2: Welcome the Feelings
Name what you're feeling, without trying to change anything.
Exemple de dialogue
Self-empathy inner dialogue: "I'm feeling anxious right now..." "And also a bit sad..." "And there's tiredness too..." (No "but", no "I should", just welcoming)
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Step 3: Recognize the Needs
Look for the needs behind these feelings. This is where the magic happens.
Besoin identifié
Feeling → need translation examples: I feel... I need... Anxious Safety, predictability Sad Connection, comfort Tired Rest, support Frustrated Efficiency, recognition Lonely Belonging, companionship
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Step 4: Move Toward Care
Once the need is identified, ask yourself: "What small action could nourish this need now?"
Exercice pratique
Micro-care action examples: Need for rest → 5 minutes with eyes closed Need for connection → Send a message to a friend Need for movement → Some stretches Need for meaning → Write down 3 gratitudes
Daily Practices
Morning ritual (3 minutes)
Before looking at your phone:
- "How am I feeling this morning?"
- "What do I need today?"
- "What intention do I set for my day?"
Midday check-in (1 minute)
Set an alarm for 2pm:
- Pause. Breathe.
- "How am I doing right now?"
- Adjust if needed.
Evening debrief (5 minutes)
Before sleeping:
- "What nourished me today?"
- "What cost me?"
- "What do I need tomorrow?"
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Self-Empathy vs Self-Pity
Attention
This is NOT self-empathy: "Poor me, nobody understands me" "It always falls on me" "I'm a victim of circumstances" Ruminating the same thoughts in a loop
Conseil
This IS self-empathy: "I'm suffering right now, and it's OK to suffer" "I have an unmet need, which one?" "What could help me now?" Welcoming then moving forward
| Self-pity | Self-empathy |
|---|---|
| Focuses on the problem | Focuses on needs |
| Stays in complaint | Leads to action |
| Reinforces helplessness | Restores power |
| Isolates | Reconnects to self and others |
Self-Empathy Before Communicating
A precious tip: before any difficult conversation, take 5 minutes of self-empathy.
Formulation OSBD
Self-empathy before a confrontation: "I need to talk to Marc about this project delay." O : When I think about this conversation... F : I feel nervous and a bit angry N : I need clarity and cooperation R : I'll breathe first and connect to my positive intention before going in
This preparation transforms the quality of your exchanges.
Key Takeaways
Besoin identifié
Self-empathy is: Giving yourself time to feel Naming without judging Identifying needs with curiosity Acting with kindness toward yourself It's not selfishness, it's personal ecology.
Going Further
What do you need right now, at this very moment?