Why NVC Doesn't Work (and How to Fix It)
"I read Rosenberg's book, did the exercises, but when I try in real life... it doesn't work."
If you've felt this frustration, you're not alone. NVC is simple to understand but subtle to practice. Here are the 7 most common mistakes - and more importantly, how to fix them.
Table of Contents
- Mistake 1: Using NVC as a manipulation technique
- Mistake 2: Applying the formula mechanically
- Mistake 3: Forgetting self-empathy
- Mistake 4: Confusing needs and strategies
- Mistake 5: Expecting a specific outcome
- Mistake 6: Practicing alone without feedback
- Mistake 7: Giving up too soon
Mistake 1: Using NVC as a Manipulation Technique
This is the most subtle trap. You use NVC words, but your intention remains to "win" or make the other change.
Attention
Signs you're manipulating with NVC: You formulate a "request" but refuse a "no" You express a "feeling" to guilt-trip the other You expect the other to change but not yourself You think you're "right" before even speaking
The Solution
Besoin identifié
Check your intention: Am I truly open to hearing the other? Am I willing to discover I'm wrong? Is my request truly negotiable? Am I seeking connection or victory?
NVC works when the intention is connection, not control.
Mistake 2: Applying the Formula Mechanically
"When you do X, I feel Y, because I need Z, would you be willing to W?"
Reciting this formula like a robot creates distance rather than connection.
Exemple de dialogue
Robotic version : "When you arrived at 7:30pm when you said 7pm, I felt frustrated, because I need reliability. Would you be willing to be on time next time?" Authentic version : "Listen, when you arrived late earlier, I was really frustrated. It's important to me to be able to count on what we agree on. Do you think we can find a solution?"
The Solution
Conseil
Tips for being natural: Use YOUR words, not the manual's Vary the order of elements Sometimes, one element is enough (just an empathic reflection) What matters is the energy, not the formula
Mistake 3: Forgetting Self-Empathy
You try to be empathic toward the other while you're emotionally distressed yourself. Mission impossible.
Important
The oxygen mask principle: On a plane, you're told to put on your mask before helping others. In NVC, it's the same: self-empathy first.
If you're overwhelmed by anger, fear, or sadness, you can't truly listen to the other.
The Solution
Before any difficult conversation, take 5 minutes to:
- Identify what YOU feel
- Clarify YOUR needs
- Give yourself compassion
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Mistake 4: Confusing Needs and Strategies
This is the most technical mistake. "I need you to call me every day" is not a need - it's a strategy.
Besoin identifié
Needs vs Strategies: Strategy (specific) Need (universal) I need you to call me I need connection I need this job I need security I need you to apologize I need recognition I need a vacation I need rest
When you confuse the two, you trap yourself. The other refuses your strategy and the conflict worsens.
The Solution
Always ask yourself: "If I had that, what would it bring me that's deeper?"
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Mistake 5: Expecting a Specific Outcome
You practice NVC expecting the other to change, apologize, or agree with you. And when it doesn't happen, you conclude that "it doesn't work."
Attention
Attachment to outcome: If you measure NVC "success" by the other's response, you'll often be disappointed. You don't control the other.
The Solution
Conseil
Redefine success: Did I express what was important to me? Did I listen to the other with curiosity? Did I maintain my connection to myself? Did I avoid making the conflict worse?
NVC success is your quality of presence, not the other's response.
Mistake 6: Practicing Alone Without Feedback
Reading books is good. But NVC is a contact sport. Without a training partner, you develop habits without even realizing it.
Exemple de dialogue
What we think we're doing : "I express my feelings with empathy" What we're actually doing : "I guilt-trip the other with pseudo-feelings"
The Solution
- Join an NVC practice group
- Find a training partner
- Ask for feedback after important conversations
- Consider a few sessions with a certified trainer
Mistake 7: Giving Up Too Soon
NVC requires reprogramming decades of conditioning. It's like learning a new language: it takes time.
Important
The learning curve: Phase 1 (1-3 months): Conscious incompetence - You see your old habits but can't change them yet Phase 2 (3-12 months): Conscious competence - You can practice NVC but it requires deliberate effort Phase 3 (1-3 years): Unconscious competence - NVC becomes natural
Most give up in phase 1 or early phase 2.
The Solution
Conseil
To persevere: Celebrate small victories Note your progress in a journal Practice in low-stakes situations first Forgive yourself for "relapses" Find a support community
The Real Problem: Energy, Not Words
Besoin identifié
Marshall Rosenberg said: "NVC isn't what you say, it's how you are when you say it." You can say perfect words with judgment energy - and it won't work. You can stumble with genuine connection intention - and miracles happen.
NVC is a quality of consciousness before it's a communication technique.
Diagnostic Checklist
When your NVC "doesn't work," go through this checklist:
Exercice pratique
Is my intention connection (not control)? Did I take time for self-empathy? Am I expressing real feelings (not pseudo-feelings)? Am I talking about universal needs (not strategies)? Is my request truly negotiable? Am I attached to the outcome? Am I leaving space for the other to say no?
Key Takeaways
Important
NVC "doesn't work" when: The intention is control, not connection You recite the formula without the energy You forget to take care of yourself first You confuse needs and strategies You want a specific result You practice alone without feedback You give up before mastery
Going Further
What mistake do you recognize in your own practice?