Difference Between NVC and Assertive Communication
"I want to assert myself without crushing others." If this sentence resonates with you, you've probably heard of two approaches: Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and assertive communication. Are they similar? Competing? Complementary?
Let's explore these two methods together to find the one that suits you - or how to combine them.
Table of Contents
Quick Definitions
Assertive Communication
Assertiveness is the ability to express your opinions, needs, and limits clearly and directly, while respecting others' rights. It sits between two extremes: passivity (self-erasure) and aggressiveness (imposing).
Conseil
The 4 communication styles: Passive : "It's fine, do what you want" Aggressive : "You do what I say, period" Passive-aggressive : "Okay..." (then silent sabotage) Assertive : "I need X, here's why it's important to me"
Nonviolent Communication
NVC, created by , aims to create empathic connection between people. It's based on 4 steps (OFNR) and emphasizes universal needs shared by all human beings.
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Common Points
NVC and assertiveness share fundamental values:
Besoin identifié
Shared values: Self-respect AND respect for others Authentic expression Rejection of manipulation Personal responsibility Clear communication
Both approaches reject:
- Passivity that denies one's own needs
- Aggressiveness that denies others' needs
- Manipulation that instrumentalizes others
Fundamental Differences
1. Primary Intention
Important
Assertiveness : The goal is to defend your rights and interests while respecting those of others. It's self-affirmation. NVC : The goal is to create connection that allows everyone's needs to be met. It's a search for mutual understanding.
2. The Place of Empathy
Assertiveness focuses primarily on self-expression. Empathy toward others is present but secondary.
NVC gives empathy a central place - first toward oneself (self-empathy), then toward others. Understanding others is an integral part of the process.
3. The View of Conflict
Exemple de dialogue
Assertive view : Conflict is a problem to solve. My goal: get what I want while preserving the relationship. NVC view : Conflict is an opportunity for connection. My goal: understand everyone's needs to find a strategy that satisfies them all.
4. Communication Structure
Assertiveness - DESC Model:
- Describe the situation
- Express your feelings
- Specify what you want
- Consequences (positive)
NVC - OFNR Model:
- Observation
- Feeling
- Need
- Request
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Comparison Table
| Aspect | Assertiveness | NVC |
|---|---|---|
| Origin | Behavioral therapy (1970s) | Marshall Rosenberg (1960s) |
| Focus | Self-expression | Mutual connection |
| Empathy | Respect for others | Deep understanding of others |
| Needs | Personal rights and limits | Shared universal needs |
| Conflict | Problem to solve | Opportunity for connection |
| Desired outcome | Fair compromise | Mutual satisfaction |
| Risk | Can remain transactional | Can seem slow or naive |
When to Use Each Approach
Assertiveness is particularly useful for:
- Setting clear limits quickly
- Saying no without guilt
- Negotiating in professional contexts
- Managing time-limited situations
- Dealing with disrespectful behavior
Conseil
Assertive example: "I understand your urgency, but I need to finish my current work. I can help you from 3pm."
NVC is particularly useful for:
- Close relationships (couple, family, friends)
- Emotionally charged conflicts
- Situations where mutual understanding is priority
- Building lasting relationships
- Transforming conflict into connection opportunity
Formulation OSBD
NVC example: "When you ask for help right now (O), I feel torn (F), because I also need to finish what I started (N). Could we find a time that works for both of us? (R)"
Combining the Best of Both Worlds
Important
The integrated approach: Start with self-empathy (NVC): What do you feel? What do you need? Express yourself clearly (Assertiveness): Be direct and specific about your limits Stay open to others (NVC): What does the other feel? What do they need? Seek a win-win solution (both): What strategy satisfies everyone's needs?
This hybrid approach gives you:
- The clarity of assertiveness
- The depth of NVC
- The flexibility to choose based on the situation
Key Takeaways
Besoin identifié
NVC and assertiveness don't oppose each other, they complement each other: Assertiveness gives you confidence to express yourself NVC gives you depth to create connection Together, they form authentic AND effective communication
Going Further
And you, are you more assertive, NVC, or a mix of both?