Pseudo-Feelings: Traps to Avoid in NVC
"I feel ignored." "I feel manipulated." "I feel rejected."
These sentences start with "I feel," but they're not feelings. They're pseudo-feelings - and this confusion is one of the most common traps in Nonviolent Communication.
Table of Contents
- What is a pseudo-feeling?
- Why it's problematic
- List of common pseudo-feelings
- How to transform a pseudo-feeling
- Practical exercise
What Is a Pseudo-Feeling?
A pseudo-feeling is a word that disguises a judgment or interpretation as an emotion. It implicitly contains an accusation toward the other person.
Important
The key difference: True feeling : Describes what's happening IN ME (sadness, joy, fear...) Pseudo-feeling : Describes what THE OTHER does to me (ignored, manipulated, betrayed...)
When I say "I feel ignored," I'm really saying: "You ignore me." It's an accusation disguised as a feeling.
Why It's Problematic
1. It triggers defensiveness
Exemple de dialogue
You : "I feel manipulated." The other (defensive): "What? I'm not manipulating you! How dare you?"
The pseudo-feeling accuses. The other defends. Dialogue closes.
2. It masks the real feeling
Under "I feel ignored," there might be:
- Sadness (unmet connection need)
- Frustration (unmet consideration need)
- Fear (unmet relational security need)
3. It prevents finding the need
Pseudo-feelings distance us from our real needs. They keep us in "victim" mode rather than authentic introspection.
👉
List of Common Pseudo-Feelings
Attention
These words are NOT feelings:
| Pseudo-feeling | Implicit accusation | Possible real feeling |
|---|---|---|
| Abandoned | You abandon me | Lonely, sad, scared |
| Attacked | You attack me | Scared, vulnerable |
| Blamed | You blame me | Hurt, frustrated |
| Controlled | You control me | Tense, annoyed |
| Devalued | You devalue me | Sad, discouraged |
| Excluded | You exclude me | Lonely, sad |
| Ignored | You ignore me | Lonely, frustrated |
| Misunderstood | You don't understand me | Frustrated, discouraged |
| Infantilized | You treat me like a child | Annoyed, frustrated |
| Judged | You judge me | Vulnerable, hurt |
| Manipulated | You manipulate me | Distrustful, confused |
| Neglected | You neglect me | Sad, lonely |
| Trapped | You trap me | Anxious, powerless |
| Rejected | You reject me | Sad, hurt |
| Betrayed | You betray me | Shocked, hurt |
| Used | You use me | Bitter, sad |
Conseil
Detection tip: If you can add "by you" after the word, it's probably a pseudo-feeling. "I feel ignored (by you)" âś— Pseudo-feeling "I feel sad" âś“ Real feeling
How to Transform a Pseudo-Feeling
Step 1: Recognize the pseudo-feeling
When you say "I feel...", ask yourself: "Does this word describe what the other is doing to me, or what's happening inside me?"
Step 2: Find the real feeling
Ask yourself: "When I think the other ignores/manipulates/rejects me, what do I really feel in my body?"
Besoin identifié
Body cues for real feelings: Tight throat → Sadness Clenched jaw → Anger Knotted stomach → Fear Heavy chest → Discouragement Shoulder tension → Stress
Step 3: Identify the need
Each feeling points to a need. What need isn't being met?
👉
Step 4: Reformulate with OFNR
Formulation OSBD
Complete transformation: ❌ Before : "I feel ignored when you look at your phone." ✅ After : O : "When you look at your phone while I'm talking to you..." F : "I feel sad and a bit frustrated" N : "Because I need connection and attention" R : "Could you put your phone down while we talk?"
Practical Exercise
Exercice pratique
Transform these pseudo-feelings: 1. "I feel manipulated by my boss." Real feeling: _______________ Underlying need: _______________ 2. "I feel rejected by my friends." Real feeling: _______________ Underlying need: _______________ 3. "I feel controlled by my partner." Real feeling: _______________ Underlying need: _______________
1. "Manipulated by my boss"
- Real feelings: distrustful, confused, frustrated
- Needs: transparency, integrity, respect
2. "Rejected by my friends"
- Real feelings: sad, lonely, hurt
- Needs: belonging, inclusion, connection
3. "Controlled by my partner"
- Real feelings: frustrated, tense, annoyed
- Needs: autonomy, freedom, trust
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Important Nuances
Sometimes context matters
"I feel abandoned" can be:
- A pseudo-feeling if it's an accusation ("You abandon me")
- A real feeling if it's a description of your inner state without accusation
Intention makes the difference
Conseil
Ask yourself these questions: Am I describing my inner state or the other's behavior? Would the other feel accused hearing this? Can I reformulate without implying the other in the cause?
Key Takeaways
Besoin identifié
Pseudo-feelings: Accuse the other disguised as emotion Trigger defensiveness and close dialogue Mask real feelings and needs For true connection: Identify the real feeling in your body Find the unmet need Express without accusing
Going Further
What pseudo-feeling do you use most often without realizing it?